It's been a little while since my last post. I've been just sort of wrapped up in life I guess. Lately I just haven't felt like myself but I guess we all go through some ups and downs.
People have told me that when you take shahada all your sins are forgiven. You're a clean slate. Free to start anew. It's funny that Allah forgives yet I always find it so hard to do that same. Especially when it's up to me to forgive myself. I've always been hard on myself. ALWAYS. Ever since I was little. I don't know why. Well that's not true. I do know why. I come from a family of people who don't let things go. When I was five or six, me and my brother and my mother were staying at a hotel for some kind of family conference thing. The adults in charge ordered pizzas for the kids and let us stay in one of the rooms to watch movies. There were a bunch of us in this room and we're all moving around to find space I stepped on my brother's pizza which he had left on the floor. Last year, he brought that up and told me what an awful sister I am. My dad still brings up how "bad" I was when I was seven for throwing up in the middle of the night and making him have to clean up behind me. Everything is ammunition it feels like and I always feel guilt even when the incidents are so far behind.
I feel like I'm always getting reminded of something, big or small. How can I forgive myself when it feels like no one will let me. I cried all morning and almost all afternoon thinking about this.
I'm so different than who I was before yet I'm always scared that no one will let me be the new me...
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12 comments:
Don't let your past hinder the person you have become, MashaAllah!
When they bring up things from the past, especially from when you were small, take the light hearted approach (if you can) and say things to your Dad like, "well, I wasn't feeling well... and isn't like YOUR job as my Dad to clean up behind his sick kid?" and with your brother and that whole pizza thing, say, "oh, gee... I forgot you were perfect- I obviously didn't see it!". Maybe if you show no raw emotions to their comments, they "might" just stop with trying to make you feel bad. If that approach doesn't work, tell them all to "let it go already!"
NEVER stifle who you have become for the sake of others- let your new light, my sister, shine through!
Assalamualaikum Sis.
I agree with what Empress said and I hope you can turn to Allah whenever you feel down and just be firm with your self. People sometimes like to remind us about our past deeds especially the bad ones just to annoy us. Remember that you are a new person with a new identity and a better attitude, a Muslim attitude. Don't let yourself wallow in self-pity and remember that we are here with you.
May Allah bless you.
Pak Karamu visiting your blog
Salam alaykom sis...As a fellow revert, I want you to know this is normal. I have often found that born muslims.. ( not all...but most) Cannot understand these dark feelings we have inside.
I agree with the sisters above for sure..and ya..you have to teach youself to be more confident and sure. Tell yourself you deserve i.. cause you do...deserve to be respected and cared for , I mean.
I dunno about you..but these feelings you have are ones that I had as well and I am almost positive..that most of my suffering in my life has been because of this. Letting ppl do this to me. Take a minute..and think logically..... like what advice would you give another sister?
If you want others to take care of you.. you have to take care of yourself.
This is all asy to write and read.but I struggle with this everyday.. I beleive it's my jihad...
I beleive that ya.. our sins are erased and forgiven.. but that doesnt mean...that we dont have to suffer the consequneces of our past actions. Maybe jsut look at them in a new different light. ?
I dunno if this all makes sense or not..but hang in there ok? Love youelf as Allah loves you.
:) After all, you were specifically chosen to follow this glorius path by Allah Ta'Allah.. ;)
As'salaam Aleykum sweety.
You and I are on the same boat. I have been feeling down lately too - especially the past few days. THough I'm born Muslim, my father was always very secular in his beliefs - and once i started wearing hijab he has not yet adjust to the whole situation. So from time to time I get soem comments (wich hurt) but inshaAllah have faith in Allah swt. spend more time with His words and inshaAllah you feel better :)! Be well sister.
Assalamualaikum sis,
This sentence comes to mind; Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
If you need an outlet to share your woes, you know we're here to give you that extra bit of positive boost. ^^ Leave the past as it is and look on the present and future. Insha'Allah, you'll get through all this. :)
Thanks ladies for the positive encouraging words. I don't know why some people (especially the ones who are closest) don't want to let things in the past stay in the past. But I'm trying my hardest to grow as a person, to enjoy the present and to look forward to a brighter, happier future inshaAllah
I understand where you are coming from. I tend to be different in the fact that I have had to go back and work on things before I can move forward. Recently I had to let myself cry over things that had happened. It helped a lot and I was able to move on a bit more.
But I have volumes not issues! Anyway insha'allah it will be easy for you to move on. :)
Salaam Alaikum,
As a fellow revert i can relate to your feelings and situation. It can be difficult as well as upsetting when familiy members choose to focus on the past. MashaAllah you made the right choice and were guided to islam, alhamdulillah! I pray that Allah swt guides you and instills in you patience. It's important to remember that there will be people who will try to discourage you and make you feel worthless and horrible, but please remember that you are a strong, intelligent woman and regardless of what anyone says you are a good person and inshaAllah they will realize that they are emotionally abusing you by focusing on your past or flaws they feel you may have.
take care sis
As a fellow revert I can also relate to your feelings, just as all the above sisters have done. I cannot add too much to what they have all said except to say that time WOUNDS all HEELS, and sooner or later people see the error of their ways and they come around. You cannot be responsible for what other people remember, only for the memories of you they have yet to make. Instead of being upset, recognise that you have in fact let go of all you used to be/do, and that regardless of how we feel or what we do, people will judge us how they wish, but their judgement will mean nothing at the final one. FEEl the peace of Allah and know that it is certainly there, TRUST that your sins are wiped away even if a million books were written about them, and UNDERSTAND that you are on a path that is common to us all, so you have a soft place to cry when the world accuses... we'll be hear to listen, lend an ear and just love you through it, Insh'Allah. PEACE - SALAAM ... have you tried listening to Surah Muhammad as recited by Mashir Rashed? It's very soothing for me on those days..
May Allah make it easy for you. Don't be so hard on your self dear sister. :)
-Ihssan
Salam sister,
Like all the other sisters have said, don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we go through difficult times, and they are all a testing from Allah to see whether we will turn to him when in need.
Once in a while I get really down too, but then I always remember the blessings in my life, and they can be as simple as having eyes that work, strong legs and arms, etc, and alhumdulillah I feel like I am one of the most luckiest people in the world then.
May Allah answer your prayers and may he give you ease in every difficulty.
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