Qualifiers

So I was just looking at some pictures on an old coworker's facebook page when I saw a somewhat shocking comment. I should give some background on this girl. SHE'S GORGEOUS mashaAllah! Like seriously she puts supermodel to shame. And, mashaAllah, even better is that she's a genuinely nice young woman. Well anyone, a guy wrote on her picture "When I was at XYZ University, she was the baddest BLACK chick there" (emphasis added my moi). It bothered me because she wasn't the baddest chick at the school (which she probably was), she was the baddest Black chick. As if it's a shock to be beautiful AND Black...smh. I don't understand that thought pattern.

I was at a housewarming a little while ago and a friend (T for purposes of this post) asked me what my hair looked like since I haven't worn it out in awhile. Dumb question in my opinion but whatever. T also asked if h2b was making me wear it. Another dumb question. Another friend (S for purposes of this post) pointed out that so and so's doesn't make his wife cover her hair so why would my h2b make me (cheers to friend S). T then says well "she's Indian and she has beautiful hair so of course she wouldn't cover it but you, Millz, you're Black so I could see why you would cover your hair." WOW! I don't think I've ever wanted to punch someone so bad before. I'm so glad that God has given me the ability to ignore people REALLY well.

One of my current coworker's grandchildren are all mixed. Both her children have Black spouses. Her son has sons and her daughter is currently pregnant with a little girl mashaAllah. Her oldest grandson has very curly hair (think Corbin Bleu from High School Musical). She was concerned though about her other grandchildren's hair though. She hoped that they didn't get that Afro hair and if they did she hopes she won't have to watch them because they'll be coming out of the house looking like Buckwheat because she can't do "that kind of hair." WOW!

It really makes me angry but mostly sad, that the world views Black people as being unattractive or having unattractive features. And if a Black woman or man IS very attractive it's somehow a fluke in the system. It really hurts. Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror wishing I could change my hair, or my nose, or whatever and I have to catch myself. I have to tell myself that I'm still beautiful whether my hair is straightened or natural or whether I look Black or European. I've also been wondering if I'm covering my hair more because I'm embarrassed to have my hair in it's natural state or whether I'm doing it for Allah. I want to say that it's for Allah but inside I think it does have something to do with the fact that when people see my hair, their first reaction is something very close to disgust. I do want to feel beautiful but it's hard when people look at me like I can never be beautiful.

I'm going to have children someday insha'Allah and I wonder how I'll teach them to feel beautiful just being themselves. My mother relaxed my hair when I was less than 10. She was straightening my hair with a hot comb by the time I was 5. That's over 20 years of changing who I naturally am!! I don't know how to love myself being natural. It's taking a lot out of me and people's reactions do not help. My sisters have dead straight hair. My cousin has long, wavy/curly hair, most of my friends either have naturaly straight or chemically straightened hair. Sometimes I feel like the ugly duckling, even with my hair covered. How am I going to tell my furture children that they are beautiful and worthy without having to change how they look, especially when we live in such an ignorant world? How can I teach them being Black is beautiful when everyone around is telling them the opposite and when I'm still effected by that type of negativity?